Affirmed when these events began
And yet when young I was priest
But even then I was not least
Among the men of God, so found
Myself among the clerk’s renowned.
Oh! And that I the sepulchre of Rome
Did call my single happy Home
And walked it’s corridors with grace
It was to me a perfect place;
But then one day was called abroad
To service for Polish Lord
And after months of servitude
Came such events of magnitude
That I with little skill impart
Though through God’s grace, I may find art.
One day when writing in my cloister
(There is no room which could be moister)
Was brought to me a creature weary
Shaped like man and yet skin dreary
Scales and fins, and yet a robe
There was no like thing in all the globe;
The fish man he did speak to me
(for in his powers dwelt prolixity)
And taught a new approach to canon
The gospel truth but via Salmon.
And when he concluded his address
It seemed that he grew more distressed
Until I took him to the ocean
Where he gazed at me with such emotion
And said that he was sure to die
While that through faith we may satisfy
His time had come, last of his kind
And the one with greatest mind
And then he leapt into the water
And left me alone, but no more a pauper
So now I transcribe his words to you, oh Pope
That by his truth we may find hope.
These are the testaments of Bishop Fish
His one and final dying wish
That I to man do these impart
Words delivered from aquari’n heart
Writ on writ for mortal piety
And the good of man’s society.
One, that Moses was a solemn plaice
And, although imbued with holy grace
Did never part the sea of red
But swimming, through the water led
His shoal and faithful congregation
Men and fish, pious crustacean
On a pilgrimage through water salty
To Zion went, and never faulty-
And not upon a mountain high
That conjoins to meet the fixéd sky
But rather in the briny deep
Did Ten new Commandments come to reap
The dictation of a holy law-
Was once enough, but now here’s more;
For tenants corrupted need renew
We cannot survive with just these few
And so we come unto our second,
A truth you already will have reckoned
Namely that Jesus was a herring too
And not such man of decent Jew;
Caught by disciples, fishers of men
Pluck’d from thrashing nets, and then
What surprise! to hear a fish discourse
On terms so learned; truth, remorse
This oracle called far and wide
And brought his followers to side
And gesturing with dainty fin
He preached a message free from sin
And when upon that holy mount
With crowds that gathered beyond count
With stomachs rumbling for reprieve
The herring may have the bread cleaved-
But not his watery brethren slain
For they found sustenance enough in grain
And cried that the fish hath split the loaves
And fed his followers in their droves
Yet never cannibalised his flock;
The ones beyond the human dock.
And yet one day, when all was grand
A time of import came to hand
Neptune called back his sacred son
From such causes lost and causes won
Betrayed, and battered
His robes were tattered
Herring Jesus was undone
And the sound of treachery begun.
A trusted brother halibut
‘scaped from the solace of the hut
And went unto the Pharisees
And was gifted silver on his knees-
That night a lonely wind blew round
And whipped about the shadow mound
Upon which stood fair Gethsemane
And Herring prayed beneath a tree
But then, lo! What new light was this
That came through evening’s gentle mist?
A party foul and rude, tis true
Watch out fish Jesus, they came for you!
Yet Herring merely stood his ground
As all about him gathered round
Faces mean in torchlight lit
They appear’d creatures from the Pit.
And out the midst came Halibut
To make the bargin fully shut
So clasping Jesus’ offered fin,
He kissed him on his scaly skin.
And then they took the Lord away
And he was dipped without delay
Into a foul and pestilent fryer
That burned with all of Satan’s fire
And though at that moment hev’nly choir
Did mitigate God’s total ire
Upon mankind he placed a blight
And many men did he then smite
And forestalled knowledge of Jesus’ form
So that our hearts are never warm
Until this day, when now I say
In divine truth you all can pray
For this gnosis I now impart
To unshackled your beleaguered heart.
And Thrice, that many other patriarchs once swan the ocean
Singing psalms to Lord in great devotion
Joshua the fierce Piranha
David trout, not Hebrew farmer
For once the daughter Zion swam the depths
A sea of many cubits breadths
But now that congregation’s gone
And I alone sing Whale’s swan song
So back unto the deep I go
Leagues beneath where man doth row
To pray in final supplication
Now that I conclude my application
Giv’n to me by almighty Jove
To travel to where there men do rove
And preach to them this final truth
So they may profit by this proof
And come unto some great affinity
With this my Lord and fish divinity
Who lives not above the world of man
In clouds residing to bless or damn
But rather the ocean’s his enclosure
The heavnl’y realm of our Jehovah.
So go now, and preach my gospel word
Ensure the truth is widely herd;
I slip into the water’s pass
And there conduct my final mass.
