Schwarzenegger: The Philosopher

One can ascribe many titles to Arnold Alois Schwarzenegger; Paragon of Men & Animals, Titanic Actor, Political Leviathan, Potent Inseminator, etc. but perhaps the greatest one of all is as the greatest and most influential philosopher since Socrates, certainly within the public sphere. His short, stark and brutal summations of human nature drive a stake into the vampiric heart of modern society, within his films he is both actor and critic, even as the action unfolds offering an exegetical commentary on both the nature of the self and the worlds in which he inhabits, and their relation to our material realm.

By deconstructing the prolixity that has characterised most philosophy, Arnold Alois Schwarzenegger throws the grandiloquence of the ages out the window; instead, he is the Messianic figure, stripping down extended and self defeating argument to their core principles, and reconstructing them in easy to remember statements. In a society where short oral transmission of ideas is key, it is no wonder that his revolutionary thinking has already taken such traction, and it is hard not to foresee in the coming centuries the emergence of a fanatical Church of Arnold Alois Schwarzenegger, as well as the compilation of Gospels of his life, and numerous Apocrypha already in production, such as the Infancy Narrative by James Cameron, where the prophet is shown using his miracles powers of indestructibility and wit to reduce his childhood foes to piles of Austrian ashes. Already commentators are proposing that his lifespan far exceeds our own; that he came to what we would consider adulthood during the Second World War, and single-handedly killed Hitler and his entire entourage within the bunker while uttering a particularly potent one-liner.

Though this theory may be open to a degree of criticism from those who are not as open minded as we, it must be borne on mind that as a T-800 cybernetic organism, he is able to travel through time, albeit naked, arriving like a newborn Adam in each time period. Like Adam he must don the 'coats of skin' (GEN 3:21) here represented by his trademark leather outfit, and head out into the world to preach the truth, leaving the Eden of the Temporal Time Vortex. Whether this is punishment for some unknown transgression or not is open to debate; while some scholars see Arnold Alois Schwarzenegger as the penitent sinner come priest, others insist he is a cybernetic manifestation of the seraphim of old, and has come down to Earth like an Angel to bring about the Glory of a New Age.

Some of the many dunameis (Mighty Works) of Arnold Alois Schwarzenegger will now considered, in order to better understand the message that this Sage is trying to impart to us...

"Levity is Good, it reduces Tension and Fear of Death" (T3:1:25:13)

This incredible insight demands particular attention. Schwarzenegger here is making a fundamental comment on the human condition, when faced with overwhelming odds. Like Christ in the Passion Narrative, he accepts the likelihood of his own fate, and instructs his disciples (here John Connor and his partner in fornication) not to fear. But to Schwarzenegger, relief comes not through penitence, but mirth, and joy. In a world of decay, Schwarzenegger teaches that we must fight our instincts to despair, rather we should laugh and joke, even about our own demise. It is through this idealised 'levity' that we transcend worry, and reach the eternal Kingdom. For those with 'levity,' there is nothing to fear in death, for it is a mere transition to something greater, another step on a road towards escape from Mundus. Here I think it is impossible not to see Schwarzenegger as in some way inspired by Gnostic ideas. To him, normal life in the drudgery of the material and mundane is a source only of 'tension and (a) fear of death.' But by locating the divine spark through the prism of Gnosis, or here as Schwarzenegger puts it, 'levity,' we can escape the prison imposed on us by the Demiurge, and emerge into the wonders of the Heavenly ether. While this quote could produce reams of theological discussion, I will simply leave it here, for greater intellectuals than I to pick up and deconstruct.

"You should Clone Yourself, so You can go Fuck Yourself" (BD:0:35:41)
In another gem of contemporary philosophy, Schwarzenegger is making an ethical judgment on both incest and the nature of narcissism. Here he seems to be endorsing the idea of incest in specific examples, where propagation is impossible. In an infertile relationship, such as the homosexual one between to identical males, he seems to grant a dispensation for cases of extreme love. Here he notes his enemy's narcissism, and, in an exemplary display of charity that far exceeds Ghandi or Mother Teresa, allows him to fulfil what he realises would grant this man true happiness, despite being adversaries. Perhaps Schwarzenegger here implies that love is a means to eliminate conflict; by allowing his rival to find love, they will no longer continue their feud, and will find some common ground. Like Jesus before him, Schwarzenegger is clearly a strong advocate of pacifism and non violence, preferring to always find a solution that will satisfy both sides. Here he is seen as judging all men, including himself, as equal, and equally deserving of charity and love. Here Schwarzenegger is the pacifist extraordinaire, a paragon of morality beyond equal. It requires little debate to realise that he is also providing a total endorsement for the emerging science of cloning, at least in the cases of impotent fornication. Whether he endorses human-animal cloning relationships, such as with Dolly the sheep, is left ambiguous in this passage, so we will have to look elsewhere.

"It is as Satisfying to me as Coming is" (GYM:5:19)

In this excerpt from a larger piece, Schwarzenegger takes on the role of Atlas, discussing his sexual relationship with the Pump machine in his local gymnasium. However, while one could take this literally, as an eroticisation of the machine and an endorsement of techno-fetishism, it seems more likely to the more learned amongst us that he is talking about the extreme pleasure of metaphorical weights. The Pump machine is not a physical object, but rather the weights we lift everyday within our lives trapped within Mundus. Another example of Schwarzenegger's deep rotted Gnosticism, it is through the pleasures of an ascetic lifestyle that we achieve spiritual revelation, and, as Schwarzenegger puts it, 'Come.' How metaphorical is Schwarzenegger's 'Come?' Is it as insubstantial as the Pumps, a mere allegory for a greater system? Or is it a combination of the tangible and the transmundane, the seminal fluid that exceeds itself. Sexual climax may be a real result of overcoming the 'weights' of life; once we free ourselves from mortal burdens, our reward is in great bursts of fluid, the arcing orgiastic potentials of diametric magnetic poles. But it is also 'Coming' of another sort, a mental and spiritual climax. This is the expiation of the divine spark trapped within the mud bodies of Mundus. Just as we humans were fashioned from the dust of the ground (GEN 2:7), Schwarzenegger is offering us a change to escape Mundus; by the effort of lifting the 'weights' of life, we can leave substantial reality and become redeemed.

Here is but a taster of the exegesis of the words of Schwarzenegger, and I hope that it leads the reader to a greater understanding of him, the great philosopher of our age.